2nd Recurrence of Breast Cancer

Diane, brother Lyn and Cancer Bear

 

It is now June 2002 and I have had another recurrence of the breast cancer.  This time it is in my bones and my organs and in the bones in my face.  It has not entered the brain as best they can see and that may or may not mean some time for me, but whatever happens I am going to go out of this life the way that I came in, with dignity.  I have been informed that there is no way to know how long I will have to fight this in the terminal stages.  It could be months and it could be longer, but I have to accept whatever god has prepared for me now and prepare my family and friends for my passing.  It is not easy to plan your death.  I have wondered in the past how difficult it might be to have the time to plan your death and make all the arrangements yourself and have time to let everyone know what your wishes are.  I often told myself that this would have to be better than a tragic death that no one could prepare for and had no idea what you truly wanted your end to be played out like.  I am not sure now that I am at this road in my life that this is the better way, but it is the way that it has played out for me.  I am doing all the sensible things such as meeting with an attorney to be sure that all the legal paperwork is in place for the family to move on legally.  I am getting the insurance papers ready for my husband and making a living will with proxy to be sure that no-one I love has to make the real difficult decisions when the time comes to let me go.  I am going to be cremated and I don’t want all that funeral home stress to be how my family and friends remember me.  It just wouldn’t be me and I want them to remember me.  The Diane before all the breast cancer and the pain and the suffering.  This is not the me I want them to remember.  I hope they will be able to let that part go and let the strong, independent, determined, and sometimes yes stubborn me stay in that place in their hearts where they chose to hold me until they come to join me in, what I hope truly is a better place one day.  I will be there holding the door open with open arms for each of them, if that is a possibility where I will go to do whatever God has in his master plan for me.

 

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