Well my son left this morning to go back to Los Angeles and move on with his life.
We said our good-byes last night when he left the hospital after visiting hours.
It is always very difficult to let him go even under the best of circumstances, but this
was additionally difficult because we both knew that this may be the last time that we would ever see each other again in this lifetime.
I canít describe the pain that either of us were experiencing at that moment, but its nothing I have ever felt before.
Pete was crying and we just held on to each other to form that one last special memory to remember each other by.
I ended up in the hospital a few days ago and it never was possible for us to do much together, but Pete spend many hours here with me and we tried to make it the best that we could, since this was all we had to work with.
Just having him home was a boost for my morale. I will miss him unbearably, but I am proud of all he has accomplished in his short lifetime and I know that he and his wife are going have a wonderful life ahead of them and what more could any parent as for their children.
If it is meant that I will never see them again, I have only loving and precious memories to keep in my soul when I leave this life.
I entered the hospital again 3 days ago and it looks like I will be staying here for at least another week or two to complete my radiation treatments and get this behind me.
I have been getting very sick from the radiation that is centered at the lower spine because it has to come out by route of my stomach.
I am not tolerating the very powerful pain medications and I am taking a great deal of nausea medication to combat the affects of that radiation.
I am having great difficulty swallowing anything as a result of the radiation that is centered at the neck and brain stem and as a result is burning my esophagus.
I know that everyone is doing the best for me that they can with the technology that they have.
All of my doctors will meet tomorrow morning to discuss keeping me hospitalized and get the treatments done where I can be in a controlled environment and they can medicate me through the mediport and bypass the stomach having to deal with these powerful drugs.
They want to be able to feed me intravenously when I get so sick again if they continue the treatments.
The drive from home to here every day when I am throwing up and carsick is just too difficult.
I am getting very sick of being sick right now but I continue to fight because I donít know any other way to do this. The hospital staffs in this terminal cancer ward are angels here on earth, that I have no doubt about.
Patients such as myself are blessed that there are people out in this crazy screwed up world who believe this is their calling in life and are available for us to lean on when we need them.
This has to take a very compassionate, motivated and living human being.
Thank you God for the privilege of knowing these majestic women who have touched my life in such a beautiful way.
I talked to my sister on the phone today and that was a very positive move in the direction of letting go of all the crap from the past that means nothing anymore and continues to keep each of us wasting precious time that we no longer have.
She will be coming to see me tomorrow evening with her husband and I am truly looking forward to seeing them both again.
Why can we not learn to let go of what is in the past and make something positive of our time together rather than negative?
We, obviously, cannot change what has already passed under the bridge.
But does any of it even matter? We need to just tell ourselves that I CANNOT change the past but I CAN change the future and that is what I am going to focus on.
I feel good that I am being blessed with the opportunity to make some positives out of some of the negatives.
This leaves me with such a feeling of inner peace and I like what I am feeling these days.